What is a Porridge Cow?
From an interview with S. Pane, America’s leading porridge cow expert.
Sometimes people mistake hay bales for porridge cows.
There’s actually no connection between hay and porridge cows or, for that matter, actual cows.
Porridge Cows
A porridge cow is a distant relative of the sloth family.
It has one of the slowest metabolisms of all living things barely moving a foot during its entire life. Young porridge cows are the size, shape, and feel of a loaf of bread (squishy on the inside and a non-porous white skin which can feel like plastic to some).
Farmers feed porridge cows a mixture of oats, brown sugar, and raisins and the cows grow to their large size in a short amount of time. From the road they look like rolled hay in plastic but are, in fact, very much a living creature with tiny feet unable to support the large rotund body. In one of nature’s most remarkable evolutionary accomplishments, porridge cows (full-grown adults) are stackable.
Farmers move them into the barn for the winter, stacking one on the other.
Once a month the farmers hose them down with the oats, sugar, raisin mixture which keeps them happy and alive.
Sadly porridge cows usually live slightly less than a year; however, they are born pregnant and most give birth to one offspring by the end of winter.
A Herd of Porridge Cows:
Not Porridge Cows:
Not a Porridge Cow:
Although it is true that one can ride porridge cows, it’s really not much fun.
One of the leading causes of death among porridge cows is lightning. Each year lightning strikes kill countless porridge cows. Here, we see the sad image of a lone porridge cow (residing, as they sometimes do, among a group of hay bales) struck by lightning.
See also these categories:
Porridge Cow
Not a Porridge Cow (NPC)
So Gary was lying when he told me those were bulk marshmallows before they cut them up into the size I buy at the grocery? The fiend! He’s always trying to trick me into tasting farm objects. I’m much more reluctant to fall for his traps since the near fatal chocolate bull fiasco of 85 though…
Gary may have been honestly mistaken rather than lying. Marshmallow cows have many features in common with porridge cows. However, marshmallow cows are even less mobile than porridge cows. They simply bounce softly and nearly imperceptively in place. Also, marshmallow cows are almost never seen outside (they don’t respond well to rain). They are also even more susceptible to lightning strikes than porridge cows. If struck, they burst into flames, their outsides develop a hard crust, brown at first but turning gradually blacker, and their insides get all melty.